An unsend letter

(5:30 am,24th Dec.)

  " I know she will say yes, i am sure, she will...she has to say...okay, but if she say no? But why will she? No, no she won't. I love her and i am sure no one can love her more than i do. But does she love me? But why wouldn't  she?? "....... 

I was talking to a coward and pessimit shivam who was standing inside the mirror, but actually i was baffled in my own doubts trap... My heart and mind battled against each other as a hundread of different thoughts flooded me. I wanted to scream out my love for siya but i couldn't....   Everytime when she comes close to me... i don't know why but the words kept getting caught in my throat......life sucks

But idiot, if this will continue..might someone propose her and you just keep on finding millions of way just to say three words..i tried to raise my confidence but still fear was surrounded me..

I started speaking in louder voice, "com'on shivam, you can, don't scared..." "com'on shivu.. this time i screamed louder to boost up myself.....

Shivam, beta tu akhala nhi rehta yaha (Shivam, you aren't living here alone) what happened so early in the morning.." sleep and let us sleep" idiot... Maa started scolding me
  Sorry maa.. i replied
I again stood up in front of mirror and started my rehearsal.......
  " Hii siya, how are you? You know, you are the most beautiful girl i ever met" what rubbish is this?! It's fucking outdated shivam... Think something new but what,what what........
Try again...okay.. "Hello siya! Good morning... you know today is gonna be more special day for me as it started with you".... 

No..no...nooo, Not like this. It seems that i am flirting...something else.

I now gave up and went inside my blanket because it was too cold and i couldn't stand still outside anymore......
  What - what - what... i kept on thinking the way to say her what i feel....  my mind lit up then and i switched to google.." how people propose in 90s" and taped on search icon. A page had opened, i checked all the ways but not satisfied yet... so i switched to next idea instead of searching on google.......
(After 30 min of thinking)
  Yes, I'll write a letter and will send it to siya tomm. on the eve of christmas...yes perfect shivam....nice ha
Suddenly then a voice from inside said me "it's outdated too" but still a better option for a introvert like you...
I know i can't say so i decided this..okk na, i replied to myself..

Inside voice:- write something which melt her, go and write.. all the best.
I took a white sheet and black pen and started writing..

Hii siya,
      Wish you merry christmas.🌲🌲
May jessus bring lots of happiness in your life and may santa🎅🎅 fill your lap with a bunch of choclates🍬🍬and amazing gifts.
  Siya.. on the eve of christmas, i want to confess something. I don't know how will you react when you read this but now i can't  hold this in my heart❤️ anymore. I never talked to any girl before you. You're the first girl with whom i talked, the first  with whom i dare to share all my feelings but i never know you'll be that girl with whom i love to spend my whole life....

      Before writing this letter i thought thousands of time, should i write this? Because i afraid of losing you but now i can't carry this secret with me.. I am shy, introvert so i never reveal my feeling in front of you, and yaa i heard its better to write than to say when you have lot to say....
  I wasn't familiar with this feeling before and never expected from me that I'll ever knock the door of this world, but see i am on the doorstep and want to enter here everday..
Siya, i never tasted this feeling of love but now i taste it everyday. When i see you, when i hear you and everything you do makes me fall more in love. 
Sometime i smile, sometime i blush 😄and often talk to myself.. 

for the world, i am mad but if this is a madness then i love to be a mad always..... siya, things aren't  same as it used to be..i often do activities that i never did. I couldn't understand yet, why were you so special to me? and as the time passed away, you became more and more special to me,so now i stop thinking why and how?!.....

You are the gift i always wanted to have. I was finding the reason to live but the day i met you i stopped finding anything else.. Siya, i tried to stay away from you but everytime when you pass i couldn't control to step ahead towards you. I tried to forget to you but my heart want to retain you forever in my life...

    Sometime when i can't bear to be away from you, i call you and hang up, afraid of what will you say? 
I remember the first time when i called you, as the ringing started, i could hear my palpation and when you said "hello" i hang up because again words were stuck in my throat.. Everytime when i close my eyes, i see your hairs falling on your shoulders,i want to lost in it, your eyes has too depth that sometime i afraid of looking at you because i will drown in those beautiful eyes....

  My love, at the end of this i just want to say that i love you soooo much and will you now dare to spend your life with this introvert?? I'll be waiting for your answer....
  I folded it and put it in my pocket.. tomorrow i will give her..
  Next morning, i texted her to meet me at chruch in the evening around 5;30pm.. i have to give you something.. bbyee
(At 5:30pm at chruch)
I was waiting there and beholding the amazing decoration there..how pretty it was... "MERRY CHRISTMAS" it was written on the church building...

   I was moving my head around to see her and suddenly i saw her but she was with someone..i stared them.. siya shook hand with him,(it was okk,he might be her freind) but then they hugged and now siya looked at me and wave, hii shivam..
  I took out the letter from the bouquet 💐and kept in my pocket....
Hello siya, merry christmas and this is for you, i greeted her and gave the bouquet💐💐

Hii, merry christmas and meet my freind kashish...she introduced him
Hello brother, merry christmas🌲🍬🎅
By the way, are you guys are just freind? I shouldn't have asked but i asked
  No, he is my closest one and i love him so much.. siya happeliy replied..😊😊
  I crushed😠 the letter in my pocket and excused from them...
  Hey! Where are you going? Siya screamed
I got an emergency call,you guys enjoyed and i went off...
I threw my letter away in a dustbin,wiped up my tears and went off.... 

   "MERRY CHRISTMAS" siya and thanku for this gift